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This April Fool's will be so off the hook, I need facial hair!
This is more of a teaser blog than anything. But we are on the verge of either the lamest tease in recent history or the shit is going down tomorrow.
If anyone has been under the technological rock as of late, it is on like Donkey Kong. If you are running an unpatched Windows workstation or connecting to an unprotected server, prepared to be owned. Conficker is almost at zero hour.
The boys (and girls) at the shop have been hard at work to cover our bases, but we have no idea what the actual impact is going to be. So, I am sleeping off the extra reading, clocking in to work, and see how many zombies I will have to kill a la Shaun of the Dead.
Stay tuned, got a full report per my scope manana. Until then, wash you goddamn hands and watch your cornholes. No Lessons Learned until tomorrow.
Coffee, Energy Drinks and Insomnia is no way to go through a week.
From the Outlook calendar on my office workstation:
March 16-20, CDI SENTENEL Incident Response and Handling (Austin) Conflicts with another appointment with your CalendarMarch 19 and 21, First/Second NCAA Men's Tournament (Greensboro)
Conflicts with another appointment with your CalendarMarch 13-22, SXSW [South By Southwest] (Austin) Conflicts with another appointment with your Calendar
March 17, St Patrick's Day Conflicts with another appointment with your Calendar
March 18 - 10:00, Weekly Team Meeting Yeah, doubt you are going to make it according to your Calendar
I have to say, this was a pretty insane week as far as slated events were concerned. The top listing was the most beneficial as far as knowledge and profession, but why in the world would anyone schedule an event in Austin at the same time as the second or third event? I was asking myself that question daily while dodging goofy kids wearing flannel and stocking caps in 86-degree heat. The general consensus was: "what do you expect, it was run by the government." Sad days when the "government" gets dumped on for offering free education.
Admittedly, I was not looking forward to the Tournament as a 'Horns fan. When a point guard doesn't emerge until the fourth quarter of the season and the stars of the team have issues of fortitude the whole season, you don't want to pay too much attention. However, when they were Feeling Minnesota in the first round shellacking, hope was there for the showdown versus Duke. But then, like a Dungeons and Dragons gamer on prom night, there is still disappointment. Thankfully, my emotional attachment, according to my Outlook calendar, was partial at best.
SXFSW: I will only add this one note to the well-chronicled insanity that is the all-around sensory overload - when leaving town with good memories, catching up with good friends and family, and with eight loaves of Whole Foods challah, The Lovely and I were working up eastbound on 5th Street approaching Lavaca Street. Nearing the legendary Antone's, I noticed a 1980's body-style white Chevy pickup. The tailgate said in all in bold, black letters: "DON'T MOVE HERE". Ah, the double-edge sword of tourist revenue and population boom. Can't pick and choose anymore, Live Music Capital of the World.
I am sore about St. Patty's, though. Staying up until three in the morning the day before does not count as celebrating. I was worn down from my first two days that I just watched a rerun of the Daily Show and called it a night. For someone one-sixteenth Irish, that is no way to celebrate my partial heritage. There was an absence of thematic hats and green food coloring. I could plug in that I am getting old, but that is an excuse old people use. Funny sidebar though, Emma was born. Big ups to Josh and Amy.
So, I missed the Weekly. Damn.
All in all, it was a productive week. I even had time to recover The Lovely after my coursework to have some Big A fun ("A" as in Austin, you bunch of savages). And we did. I would like to give a fond bon voyage to The Gingerman, known as Gingerman Classic for this week's purposes. My old 4th Street hideout is now relocating to a cold and metal hole down Lavaca Street, about 50 meters from the old location.
I'm not really sure if I am complaining or gloating...
Lessons Learned - My Three Things:
1) No matter what, always ask for the money up front first!
2) If a door knob is functioning, when disassembled, it should separate in all it's different components. When the doorknob, or door-opening system, is malfunctioning, you just might have to stab the door with a screwdriver and needle-nose pliers until the cipher completely dies.
3) Spook Central is a fun place to work. Hell, it's a fun place just to keep track of. With Conflicker C in the wild, ISC breaking down the Green status and jackasses still using P2P, it makes me want to put on the track shoes and run a 7-minute mile to meet the challenge.
Mad love and shouts to Ra-Rach and B-boy for hooking up the couch-surfing provisions, El Grande (sans The Munchkin and Dollface), SKM, Garth the Sherpa (got to tell me about that mountain range), Safari Jon and the cold-blooded killers at the HHS mafia, Don Michael and that dude that called me a "badass" when I was jaywalking Lavaca in a black suit. That is merely a portion of why I love Austin so much. Talk later.
Oh, my god, could this blog series get any longer!?!?! This entry has been sitting in my queue for two weeks now. Did I even leave the country? Ugh, life caught up with me.
I think I can get over the numbers now. It's not like this is Sesame Street or there is a diabolical pop quiz after this rant. This run, I would like to get to the heart of the matter. There are some fundamental differences between The States and CR that we as North Americans should start taking notice.
By 2010, Costa Rica wants to eliminate their carbon footprint from not only their micro-climates, but the global environment as a whole. We witnessed the country's efforts first hand. It's one thing to say that there is no litter or trash around their national parks or ecological reserves. But it's the little things that are done in plain sight that make the difference. Por ejemplo, when visiting an North American hotel or lodge, in the bathroom guests would notice the mini-bottle sized soap and shampoo, complete with about 2/3s of the soap and shampoo your body actually needs. Where do all the used mini-bottles go? Obviously, they are not edible or we would have an even bigger problem with obesity today. In CR, they keep is simple and contained. In every hotel we stayed in (save one), they had dispensers as opposed to bottles on top of bottles. All the staff does is fill a reseviour with liquid soap and shampoo. A couple of extra squirts and one could wash their whole body without burning through plastic that will never be recycled. No waste, no mess.
Speaking of recycled, what if we took all the used beer bottles I have ever consumed. Let's make it fair and add all the Topo Chico bottles as well. Currently, my hometown decided to reliquish glass recycling for the last ten years. What if we reused all the bottles, reduce waste and use them for the next run? Why is something so commonsensical not practiced in The States? Well, it's practiced in the Rich Coast. Instead of doing the measly 5 cent deposit in Connecticut, vendors, shop keepers, bars and patrons return the beer bottles to be washed, re-washed, steamed, dried and used again for the exact same purpose -- for beer and beverages. They reduce the glass in the trashpits and landfills and crack open a fresh beer while doing some good for the environment.
But enough of the tree-hugger manifesto. An English grammarian would make a killing here. Then again, they should be wary of visiting CR. Wave Expeditions doesn't know how to use a comma. Johnnie's Pizza was having trouble with transliteration of "B"s and "V"s. La Pollera was having some trouble with "Gordon Blue" which is a lot like Cordon Bleu except it's the exact same thing! The Airport (converted horse barn) in Fortuna was having trouble with Anions Rings even though they were trying to express rings of onion.
Which bleeds into my point; if an American goes to a foriegn country, the traveler might want to try to attempt the native language. Native countrymen appreciate it when you at least try to speak the language. These are the words from everyone's mouth that we encountered. "It's nice when guests speak the language", all of our lovely hosts stated in one version or another. Why try to impose a foriegn language to another country? Even the expatriots agree. I just never understood why the other Americans we hung out with didn't give it the old college try? It not like the Language Police were going to come and take us away. It's like if Russians came by the truckloads and just started pushing Cryillic on us and if we didn't understand it, they would just speak louder. Got to respect the home-court advantage. As we all know, Manifest Destiny is over.
And the Oscars aren't that big of a deal in Central America. I would be safe to bet a couple hundred colones that it's just The States that cares about it.
So, that's it. That is what I learned while in Costa Rica. So, yeah. Books are overrated. Unless they are bird books with full page pictures and distiguishing markings. Consider the debrief completed. Talk later.
As we learned on the last post about Costa Rica (which seems like eons ago), ziplines are cool, ATMs are awesome and drowning is difficult when ten people are in the same river. Who knows what we are going to learn today? Because really, I don't know what I am going to write until I type it. Don't you just love the Internets?
9) So, when The Lovely and I were in the passenger van headed toward our waterboarding torture...er, white-water rafting trip, the guides asked where we were from. Since not everyone on Earth recognizes the burnt-orange silhouette of livestock, we said "Texas". Appropriately (?), our trusty guides responded with a "Yee-haw" enough to pierce Roy Clark's ears. Funny enough, we would have to prove our Texan spirit on a three-hour horseback ride (traveling to the gorgeous private waterfall above). Internationally speaking, if you are from Texas, you must know how to ride a horse, or fake as if you did what your stunt-double just did seconds ago. As an added bonus: did you know horses can fall asleep anywhere? Just ask my wife. Consider that stereotype dissolved, yet recovered after thirty minutes in the saddle (western saddle, of course).
10) A popular question amidst our return was, "how was the food?" When it wasn't beans and rice, it was outstanding. But we had no clue that this country could go toe-to-toe internationally on creation and execution of pizza. Yes, pizza. We had it four times while in CR. These guys kick some serious ass when it comes to the bastardized Italian dinner pastry. But why does (or would) pizza taste better here? We have isolated the fresher ingredients coming from direct vendors, such as fruit and veggie producers, dairy farms down the road with butchers two doors over. Plus, nothing beats a wood-fire oven. Nothing. Natural carbon flavors with the cedar and ash scents permeating over fresh cheese, meats and pineapples from a creepy dude in a truck. Now, that's flavor! So much for that stereotype.
11) I can merely go by Travel Channel footage. However, La Fortuna and the Arenal Volcano look disgustingly similar to the angry volcanic islands of Hawaii. This sounds like a no-brainer due to the second-largest active volcano in the country would produce black sand, sulfuric-blue water and the lack of crocodiles. And, of course, with the fauna and the constant rain, you would have to squint hard to discern the different. And boom goes that stereotype. By the way, thanks for nothing Arenal Volcano; a cloudy four days could not reveal anything other than ninety percent of the apex and only part of the gassy north facade of the pissed-off mountain.
12) Please remove the old Costa Rica out of your head. As referenced earlier, this is a country with an economic identity crisis. With all the westerners dumping in money to visit, live or to create adventure/spa businesses, CR is not a cheap trip. If you think it's a third-world country, cut it out - seriously. I give this country another five years before it becomes the next Cancun (only safer).
Oh, you think this is over. "Nothing is over until we say it is. Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor...hell no!" Join us next blog when we try to wrap this up in less than a freaking month when the little red bow I try to place on this trip ends up being way too large. Will the hilarity ever stop? Talk later.
As we learned yesterday, grab a jacket, we are nerds, this whole country is in an identity crisis and I am a dumb bastard when it comes to languages. Let's see what other fallicies I can suffer from as I continue my debrief on Costa Rica.
5) Ziplines are pretty damn cool and very damn easy. Here's how it works. Gravity does 92% of the work. If you're scared, don't be. The strongest and weightiest part of the body is attached to steel cables cross-supported by another series of steel cables. If you are still worried you are going to fall after the heavy-duty straps, the metal pulley and the trained professionals, may I advise not to travel abroad at all. Part of the adventure was to have other adventures. Just lean back and enjoy the ride. . .
6) I teased about this point, so I might as well get over it. CR drivers are crazy. CR vehicles are crazy. CR roads are crazy. The drivers are only crazy because the vehicles are crazy. The vehicles are crazy because the roads are crazy. When only 60% of the roads are paved, you start having this pattern of crazy makes crazy making crazy. Does that make sense? But I got over it very quickly because I don't have another choice (...or do I?). More on that, later. At least they drive on the "right" side of the street. This is the fundamental reason why I always suggest hiring a driver. I'm not saying, I'm just saying.
7) If you ever want to pulse out straight cash (homey), it's easy. Of course, when you do anything in a foreign country, there are some stipulations. ATMs are locked panic rooms with a pin number and money spitting out at the end. The big reason is to curtail petty crime or serious violence. With drug crimes increasing, they don't want to take the chance. And don't even get me started with the actual banks. I can get clearance to The Pentagon before I can get my wife, wearing sunglasses and a hat, can get in without funny looks. And they speak American. My brain needed the rest after mangling more Spanish.
8) If you think are are almost dying, you are not. Let me set this up. We did travel by plane, car, zipline, boat and white water raft. Classes of river rafting come from 1 through 5, with 5 being the most intense. When I convinced The Lovely to give this a try, I neglected to mention the Class 4 river we would traverse. Yeah, to say the least we were inexperienced. Five minutes into the wet, I fell in the drink. Three out of the five in the raft fell out. Was I scared? Yes. This definitely was not the Frio. And it was freaky getting submerged when not knowing what powers were forcing you down (other than the obvious--water!). But for some strange reason (even though it was is the far left back of my mind), I was not going down that day. So, when you think you are going to die, that just means there is a part of you brain and body still fighting. I don't think I am going to try this theory again any time soon, but this is my "blink" statement.
As an added bonus, I would like to give my dad a shout-out. When I got married, the only advice he gave me came in handy. "Don't go tubing down the river with your wedding band on. You will lose it." Thanks, Dad. With that, we will ajourn until Part III, when I teach everyone how to make a delicious dinner for four at half the cost. Thanks Rachel Ray! Talk later.
Insert "mile high club" jokes here
I know I kinda beat the whole "I learned three things, somebody give me a gold star" theme into the ground. But for this series of blogs, I earned it. Especially since this was my first trip out of the country, ever. Ten days of delicious fresh fruit, super-caffeinated coffee and some of the friendliest people on Earth, I took back more than great mental (and photographic) images...and insect bites. So, let me re-jog my memory and point out finer points of the my vacation to the number one producer of semiconductors in the western hemisphere, Costa Rica.
1) For the geographically-challenged, Costa Rica is bordered by two oceans and owns part of the Continental Divide. We didn't grace any beach, though we were prepared for water and sun. We (The Lovely and I) took the high road...the very high road...6,000 feet high. So, in the mountains, regardless of if it's the "dry" season or the "opposite-of-dry" climate, bring a damn jacket! Altitude gets cold no matter how hot it is during the day. Also, it's a really bad idea to just bring one pair of shoes. Wet Vibrams squishing around a nice restaurant just plain sucks.
2) If Virginia is for lovers, then CR is for NERDS!!!. This was supposed to be a romantic getaway for The Lovely and I. This was supposed to be our true honeymoon. But no. We had to nerd it up. It really wasn't our intention. We initially rolled our eyes every time we caught the 100-power scope and notepad bookmarking the Birds of Costa Rica in the finches section. But the siren's song of the migrating nerd was far too powerful. We were bird watching with the other retired biologists and 12 year-olds before we could say "quetzal". Fred Palowakski can kiss my ass.
3) Costa Rica is an exercise in duality. One hand, vendors accept US Dollars. The other hand, they will tell you the price in CR colones. Some areas, it's about as touristy as it gets. Other areas, the rural beauty scoffs at the encroachment. The modern world descended upon the sovereign state with Intel and Microsoft setting up shop, while the big city has struggled with the identity crisis of population sprawl and immigration problems. Ah, the complexity of the global economy.
4) Brushing up on the Spanish is one thing (more on that later). Brushing up on my German and French freaked my ears out a bit. Outside of the flight to San Jose, our first spot was Monteverde. This was the nice little town that lied on the west of the Monteverde Cloud Forest Reserve. Our lodge was so accommodating they accepted Euros. The story goes, the Arco Iris Ecolodge was bought by a nice German couple in the late nineties that made massive improvements to make it a wonderful place to rest one's head. Apparently, the whole EU heard about this place that one minute you here gracias, and the next your here merci and dankschen in the next breath. Neat and unexpected.
Okay, enough education for now. Plenty to degauss about within our four-part series. Stay tuned for part two - when I explain why una via is merely a suggestion in CR. Talk later.
This April Fool's will be so off the hook, I need facial hair!
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